It’s all about honesty as I am really writing this because I need to get out of my mind and into complete surrender to God in this moment. In 2000 when I arrived here at the ministry that God gave me, I was in full swing of my addiction and in complete denial of who I really was because I didn’t want to deal with my issues. I snowed every leader in this church and every member as well and I can’t understand how God would allow an addict, selfish, religious spirit church player as I was to be a minister in His church. Fast Forward 7 years! I have come through about everything imaginable and God has knocked me out of my denial and my addictions and has been moving out of religion into a relationship. I am still a work in progress and as I write this I am in the valley, where I seem to be staying as of late. Which isn’t bad because that means God is working on me and growing me for His purpose and if I wasn’t in the valley that would probably mean that I am comfortable and totally engulfed in the world. As I write this I believe that God is moving me and my family out of the ministry here in PSL and into another ministry. So here is where I am at…I am in a place that I have served for 7 years and I am thankful to God for what He done here through me and for me and for some reason I don’t feel wanted here anymore. On the other hand I have sent resumes galore, made tons of phone calls and e-mails, prayed without ceasing, made myself available, done everything that God laid on my heart to do and I am not receiving any response from any other church…none. Now I have been having communion with God quite a bit in these last few weeks and in fact, I have talked, shared, cried, shouted, questioned, asked, wrestled, done everything with God more in these last few weeks with than I have in 29 years of life. God has taken away everything around me that I would normally try to use to control my situation, my feelings, or the like and even my cell phone is shut off…in other words…GOD HAS MY ATTENTION. I haven’t tried to numb my feelings; I have just gone to God. I have taken things back 20 times but surrendered them over again 21 times. I have prayed openly with Him and I have said that I will do whatever He wants from and I will be available for His will and I won’t question, I will just do. See I want to know the outcome of my life and God wants me to just trust in Him and that He knows what is better for me than I do. Surrender and Submission is where I am at right now as I right this…I have asked God for signs and He is not showing me anything so I will stay surrendered and submit to whatever He wants. I feel right now that God is distant but His Word says that “never will I leave you or will I forsake you”…so I believe that I am just being tested because He is preparing me for something and that He has a purpose for me but I will learn that in His timing and not mine. It seems that I take things back from God 20 times a day but I surrender them right over 21 times. I am constantly asking to change the focus of my thoughts and keep me out of my stinking thinking and He is…praise God. Actually now as I type this, I am thankful that I am where I am at because I am okay right now in this moment and I am thankful for the valley because it is helping me to grow…God uses the opposite of what I think could help me grow to grow me. Imagine that! Dear God, I have tried to do it all by myself on my own power, and I have failed. Today I want to turn my life over to You. I ask You to be my Lord and my Savior. You are the One and only Higher Power! I ask that You help me think less about me and my will. I want to daily turn my will over to You, to daily seek Your direction and wisdom for my life. Please continue to help me overcome my hurts, hang-ups, and habits, that victory over them may help others as they see Your power at work in changing my life. Help me to do Your will always. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen…thanks for letting me share.

-gravyjmm